@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
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@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@AlexvanBeek: The time for being a smartass isn't when someone is in a murderous rage. There's a discreet unmarked grave out there that'll attest to that.
@BradBroaddus: DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........
@Sickayduh: Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn't have to be about you Me: but that's my autobiography