A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
🍞🦆
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me when i see my girls butt
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.