@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

- @OhNoSheTwitnt

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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

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*eating before going in Costco*
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My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?