@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
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@Gupton68: Alexa, why can’t you just play the original version of the song I asked for, not the reimagined or remastered or recut version? Who do you think you are, George fucking Lucas?
@xLiserx: Me: 6 tacos, please. Him: This is an ice cream truck. Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone. Him: We don't serve tacos. Me: Your taco truck is broken.
@ficklenuts: [first day of school] LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies. LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon. BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
@Sassafrantz: I don't want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.