A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.