A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Sorry not sorry.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.