@Mr_Kapowski

A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”

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@Jayneymoo

I don’t really care who came first, the chicken or the egg.

I’m just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.

@james_comics

netflix: are you still there?

me: i’m literally not allowed to leave

@dafloydsta

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

@AnOrangeSNES

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

@drinksmcgee

My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@UncleDuke1969

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

@AlexvanBeek

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.