I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more