scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”
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I don’t really care who came first, the chicken or the egg.
I’m just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.
netflix: are you still there?
me: i’m literally not allowed to leave
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.
Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.