[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The second world war should have been called world war returns
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
this is me
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves