Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn