It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.