A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children