A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Got him!
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”