A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
tourist season
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.