A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Not now. I’m deglazing.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”