A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.