A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You Might Also Like
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?