A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.