@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

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@UnFitz

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@_SingleBabyMama

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

@lincnotfound

[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@whatmaddness

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel