A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?