A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

You Might Also Like


My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”


Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.


Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.


[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT


age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable


*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*


It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.


Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel