My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
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Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?
Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[alternate lobster universe]
lobster king: send them in
[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]
lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me