A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
it be like that
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?