Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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Coworker: OMG did you hear about the blizzard?
Me: which flavor?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling