@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

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@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@ronleibach

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

@Borgore

Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@codyspencer0

The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling