A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it