a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
When you’re here for the treats.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut