FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it
Wait couldn’t I just put the che
Mother of god
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized
Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t
In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me