Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
KFC hitting the cannibal market
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My first son he is wonderful
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”