@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

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@ShortSleeveSuit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

@Shade510

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

@TheHeartlessBoy

Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

@kimtopher22

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

@sonictyrant

Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t

@VerbsRProudest

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

@PhilJamesson

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me