My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.