I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
You Might Also Like
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
(2022)
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog