Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
You Might Also Like
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better