Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.