@SuperTeeWhy

[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]

“Son, when-”

*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*

“Know what, we’re good”

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@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@Eightinchgoat

Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

@fowlerism

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.