[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”
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I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
WAP on, WAP off
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.