My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Left my phone in my 1yo鈥檚 room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo鈥檚 room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Don鈥檛 you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that鈥檚 when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can鈥檛 figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they鈥檝e been since last summer.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I鈥檝e always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He鈥檚 so kind.
ME: If we don鈥檛 have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It鈥檚 like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don鈥檛 believe his lies