Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.