A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
This cat wants you to take your pills
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”