A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.


Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.


Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.


[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit


Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.


I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.



BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.


Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.