If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.