A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
no!! no!!!!!!
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Woke up against my better judgment again
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine