A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.