A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.