Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”