@WilliamAder

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

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@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

@Talkinghands69

When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

@cray_at_home_ma

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

@shegotagronk

Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

@LoverOfComics94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.