@WilliamAder

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

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@fsuflores

It’s unfortunate when pasta night turns into a surprise family intervention.

@mydaughtersarmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@erichwithach

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

@ObscureGent

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@lisaxy424

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

@squirrel74wkgn

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU