A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food