I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.