@pan_duh

a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake

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@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@VirginiaMcMurdo

Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?

Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*

@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..