This angry backpack
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
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Very little scares me. So does very big.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?
Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?
Angel: *holds up platypus
God: a little..