People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”
Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.