@pan_duh

a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake

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@WheelTod

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

@therepoguy

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@TheAlexNevil

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

@offbeatoliv

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@kevinrowe1

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.