@ceejoyner

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

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@scorpicpanda

{at fancy restaurant}

Waiter: *pulls out chair*

Me: “Don’t make this weird, dude.”

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@LostFelicia

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@Phook75

It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well

@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN