a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.