A dead goose is called a ghoost
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If a snake ate a cake
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
i spent way too long on this
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.