A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
new record!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.