@CatalystNB

“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”

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@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@MrNickJC

Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

@BMcCarthy32

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS

@mortimermaiden

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

@doggiedogthedog

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

@CatsVsHumanity

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

@SingleVixxen

If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

@KeetPotato

Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]