A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss