A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Vodka burrito was a success
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
starting a garage orchestra
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
True freaking story!