@meladoodle

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@crmotwo

*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

@SaxMouse

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

@ravenswng_

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

@Fred_Delicious

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*