Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*
“Okay everyone grab a partner.”
Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog
The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*