A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

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Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.


*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?


I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”


I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.


Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)


ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button


ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it


*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*