@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

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@FU_TangClan

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

@flashember

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@chuuew

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

@joejwest

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

@Just_Lee_

When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

@ManiacallySound

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

@UncleDuke1969

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

@miss_foofoo

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.