@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

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@rantybot

havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas

@Try2StopME

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.