…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.


You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof


Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…


Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Wife: Be quiet.
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.


Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.


instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club


Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.