Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.