A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.