If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.