@shutupmikeginn

A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

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@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@trojansauce

[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun