@shutupmikeginn

A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

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@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

@girlwithatail

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@DothTheDoth

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

@MrNickNo

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

@sammyrhodes

Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@Sleinso

[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.