Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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Her: I LOVE your beard!
Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!
Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Oh you have morals? You must be new here.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?