@HomeProbably

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

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@SirEviscerate

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

@Eightinchgoat

Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?