@ozzyunc

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

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@bonesher

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

@TheOnion

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@Reverend_Scott

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.