A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.


Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’


Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.


At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.


I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”


ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.