A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”