@Reverend_Scott

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

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@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot

@iGreenGod

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

@Social_Mime

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@_troyjohnson

Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates