[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017
*in hospital 3 days later*
Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine
2020 is officially Hotel California
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Historic moments in rap.
Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
-death row inmates