*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Proofread twice, hang posters once
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
#milo
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes