A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Worth a try
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck