*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
We’re out of toilet paper, also don’t pet the cat.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me